By Courtney Atlas
In what has become a string of celebrity rehab check-ins, God was seen entering Promises Rehabilitation Center in Malibu, CA on Sunday for what his camp is calling “mental exhaustion”.
But what exactly is behind His mental breakdown?
“2012 has been a trying year for our office,” says St. Peter, who is serving as God’s publicist at this time. “It all started last Christmas; Jesus bought The Father a Hulu Plus subscription as a gift,” says Peter. “The Almighty watched one episode of The Jersey Shore and couldn’t believe He was watching His own creations. He was devastated by how quickly humanity as a whole had regressed in such a short amount of time.”
Things got progressively worse, according to Peter. “Honestly, we were sure that all of the defective creations were weeded out during the Biblical flood; but now we’re discovering species such as Lady Gaga, the entire Kardashian tribe, and the band known as LMFAO. It really hit hard once He found out that The Shore was renewed for a sixth season. That’s around the time He turned to alcohol to cope. The pressure just became too much,” notes Peter.
Other sources close to God note the sudden disinterest in the people around Him. “We knew things were getting bad when He betrayed his best friend, Tim [Tebow],” says an insider. “God’s camp signed a contract with Tebow stating that The Almighty would protect him from the New York Jets, but God accidentally overslept the morning of the trade after a night of heavy partying.”
“The drinking just got worse after that,” notes another onlooker. “Once Whitney Houston got here, the drugs started happening too.”
God’s friends and family tried reaching out to him once. “After developing a fondness for A&E’s Intervention, Jesus and several disciples attempted an intervention of their own,” says Peter. “God was infuriated at their outreach. He was drunk and let his temper get away from Him; some may recognize this outburst as the infamous ‘Trailer Park Tornadoes’,” Peter notes. “It’s really just tragic the way he’s handling these hardships. He’s heading down the wrong path.”
Peter says God checked into Promises on Easter morning and plans on staying for six weeks.
“We’re treading lightly around Him,” says Peter. “He’s just going through an emotional rough patch. He doesn’t know about Snooki producing offspring, and we don’t think it’s a good time to tell Him. Only good news for the time being. Our team has been working furiously to keep Him from hearing about Courtney Stodden’s recent claim to be a ‘devout Christian’, and Stodden’s attorneys have been notified of the potential lawsuit coming.”
Only close friends are allowed to see God while He remains in rehab. “Myself, Jesus, all the members of U2, and Tim [Tebow] are allowed in for visiting hours. That’s it,” says Peter.
We wish God a speedy recovery. Godspeed, indeed.