Rick Santorum Drops Out: Comedy Writers Crestfallen

 

By Bill Dixon

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has dropped out of the presidential race today, triggering a wave of despair among not only Santorum supporters, but also political comedy writers.

"He said he was in this thing for the long haul,” lamented one Daily Show writer, "I’ve got a kid to feed."

With Rick Santorum out of the race, the primary political punching bags have been whittled down to the moderate President Barack Obama and less-than-dynamic Mitt Romney.

"We have been left to parody vanilla ice cream or slow churned vanilla ice cream. That’s what our options are right now. Rick Santorum was like… he was like Sherbet filled with razorblades and dynamite. He was a comedy writer’s dream come true,” said one David Letterman producer.

Given the vast resources of the remaining camps, the chances of screwball moments or unscripted mishaps become significantly less probable.

One comedy blogger noted:

Rick Santorum was like the 3-month free trial of HBO and today, the free ride ended. No more premium channel material. Now we are left with How I Met Your Mother and Malcolm in the Middle reruns.

You know, some of these older writers bought second homes with the money they made during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. They sent their kids to college with the incompetence of the Bush administration. For Christ sakes, Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face with a gun!

Unfortunately, my generation’s payday hasn’t been elected yet. Obama and Romney aren’t the answer. Rick Santorum was our chance at salvation and now he’s gone.

When asked if the blogger would have voted for Rick Santorum, “Oh, fuck no. I mean don’t get it twisted, as a human being, I’m elated; as a comedian though, I’m crestfallen. It’s a dichotomy I struggle with.”