By Bill Dixon
Whenever there’s a national tragedy where some lunatic uses an assault weapon to perpetrate some horrifying and senseless mass shooting, the nation becomes skittish about M-16s. People start arguing that automatic weapons have no practical purpose aside from killing people and I am here to tell you that this is wildly untrue. There are literally severals of reasons why automatic weapons are a necessity.
1. To Cut Down Dense Jungle Foliage- Most of us know somebody with at least a few acres of fertile jungle on their property. And who has time to mow all of that? Nobody does. So it’s important to have at least one or two Gatling guns at the ready to clear large swaths of rainforest. Unless you want to spend the next week clearing jungle with a dangerous weed-whacker.
2. Home Invasion - Some argue (see: cowards) that in the event of a home invasion, a hand gun would be more than sufficient to defend oneself. However, have you considered the possibility that a gang of well armed, half-wit, marauding beast men might break into your home and steal your kids & pets for various and unthinkable slave things? Of course you didn’t because you have no foresight. You’re like a goddamn goldfish, just swimming from one end of the bowl to the other, totally unaware of the jaw-droppingly finite and delicate nature of your situation. Wake up!
3. Alien Invasion - You can’t kill fictional creatures with regular guns. You can rarely kill them with machine guns but machine guns will give you the firepower needed to hi-jack one of the alien’s space vehicles so you can dock with the mothership where you can use your old macbook to upload a virus to their mainframe, disabling their shields then Randy Quaid’ll fly a fighter jet into the firing component of their primary weapon on their drone ship. This may seem a little convoluted to you because you’re a fucking primate but trust me, drone, you need a machine gun.
4. Hunting - It’s safe to say that most people love to hunt but don’t like the taste of venison. So why kill an animal with a stupid rifle if it’s just going to rot in the woods? In the interest of keeping our forests clean — you know, the thing liberals are constantly beating us over the head about — It’s best to hunt these animals with something like a gas powered shoulder mounted grenade launcher to make sure the beast is completely pulverized leaving only an evenly dispersed deer paste scattered over an area roughly the size of a football field. Recreational fertilizing!
Also, what happens if you shoot a deer with one of those regular hunting rifles and the deer gets away? That deer will spend the rest of his life plotting his revenge. Next thing you know you have a gang of deer disabling your home security in the middle of the night handcuffing you and your family to the radiator and making you watch as they take turns performing unthinkable acts on your corgi/terrier, Samantha.
All because you decided to be “humane”. Samantha certainly doesn’t think so. I mean look at her.
I SAID LOOK AT HER!!
4. Overthrow Government - That’s really the whole point, right? If we don’t have assault weapons, how will we be able to overthrow the government? But if we’re being honest with ourselves, will machine guns be enough? No - they won’t be. This is why we should compel the NRA to aggressively advocate for the legalization of nuclear submarines and aircraft carriers. How am I supposed to defend my family if I don’t have a surface-to-air missile system surreptitiously placed on the roof of my mid-rise apartment building camouflaged under some foliage collected from my jungle?
But until then, It’s important to have access to machine guns just in case we need to kill well armed American soldiers in the process of taking control of the back control of our government. I don’t think this is unreasonable. Your family will thank you and so will Samantha.